A blog of advice from an ever-changing team of Sith Lords. There are only ever two: a master and an apprentice. But who is writing to you this week, the master or the apprentice?
Darth Sidious ruled the entire galaxy for a while, until unrest within the team forced him into retirement. His hobbies include birdwatching and baking. Darth Maul is a skilled acrobat and a master of martial arts. He has seen a lot of combat, which has left him only half the man he used to be. Darth Tyranus is the oldest member of the team and his lightsaber doubles as a walking stick. Darth Vader is the most powerful with the force. Having been conceived by the force itself, he lacks a strong father figure which has led to all sorts of problems.
We're the Sith, and we're here to enlighten you on what it means to be a bad-ass in the galaxy. Our team of four have all spent a lot of time studying the dark ways of the force. Between us, we have the wisdom and experience to give you a thorough and well-rounded initiation into being evil. Why choose this path? For one, its easier. Think of your friend torturing themselves by trying to cut down on dairy, and therefore living a baleful shadow of an existence with no cheese or latte. Well, we're similar, but with unlimited power in place of milk.
The most popular reason for people to bend to the dark side is immortality. The Jedi sniff at it, but is it really so bad? Those square Jedi in their posh temple are possibly the worst culprits of anybody for wanting to stay alive! They hate it when they or their loved ones are threatened with death. They're forever trying to dodge laser blasts, or telling us off for force-choking. Yoda himself lived to 900. That's very greedy, especially when you consider that a Wamp-rat only lives for about a day. It's not like he doesn't have the power to heal people If they are so against living forever, then why do they get so whiny about the sanctity of life?... [read more]
Our Empire wasn't a bad thing. In fact it was a strong, well-run administration that provided jobs for all (humans). The healthcare system was second to none; there was a booming construction industry and, if you were of a particular height, there was the possibility of a long and illustrious career as a stormtrooper(as long as your aim was poor enough). There was also excellent scope for promotion within our navy. You could have very quickly found yourself captaining your own Star Destroyer, as Darth Vader himself regularly ensured positions would routinely become available.
Why everyone was so against our Empire remains something of a mystery... The bad press was a smear campaign by the Jedi, who have always labelled us the "dark" side for no apparent reason. We will never know what is so "dark" about a twin desire for unlimited power and to subjugate hundreds of races. With hindsight, we should maybe have taken a leaf out of their book and maintained a team of executives consisting of more than just the two Sith Lords at a time. But we just always seem to end up squabbling amongst ourselves... [read more]
Do not be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force. - Darth Vader
This quote will leave a lot of people drooling at the mouth, eager to learn more about the Dark Side. After all, just imagine how powerful the force might be if it makes destroying a planet seem insignificant? Read on to find out... [read more]